And when I say asked, I don't necessarily mean just by people. While there are plenty of relatives, friends, random people, who seem to think that because I meet the above qualifications, I should start flipping through the catalogs for David's Bridal, it is also society at large, ads, and books that demand this information of me. While shelving books at the local library where I am employed, I am far more likely to stumble upon a book titled Get Serious about Getting a Man than one titled, say, How to be a Responsible Member of Society. Apparently, having a man is far more important than developing one's own self and not being a moron.
First of all, let me tell you how annoyed I am by those questions. While my boyfriend has reported that, on occasion, he has been asked similar marriage-related questions, I imagine that, as a female, I am asked far more frequently, because, apparently, getting married would be far more interesting to me than it would be to him. I don't know why people presume that they have some kind of right to know how my personal relationships are doing. I can't see them asking me in a few years, if I did in fact get married "So . . . are you thinking of getting a divorce anytime soon?" or "Have you started looking at houses yet?" "How's that suspicious rash doing?" I don't really think it's anyone's business to know the inner workings of my life, and furthermore, to assume that marriage is something I should be striving for at this point in my life. If I were a boy, people would be telling me to go to school, to get a job, to get out of my parents' house, yet I am far more likely to hear how I should start thinking about how to get him to "pop the question" and wonder if my internal clock has been properly wound and set. Leaving kids out of this discussion, as I am likely to simply have a heart attack on the spot if I have to delve into that issue, I wonder why it is that a man is assumed to be my number-one priority at this point. What exactly would getting married have to offer me? Other than getting to spend a lot more time with my boyfriend, and I suppose file taxes jointly and share health insurance benefits, there's no clear-cut explanation of why marriage should be such an attractive package to me.
Also, there's the idea that, if I were to get married, the man would be the one to broach the subject, at which point, I presume, I am supposed to jump up and down for joy and go "I was wondering what TOOK you so long!" Actually, in my case, I can see two different options for what might really happen, neither of which resembles the above scenario.
1) I am proposed to. I freak out and run away and say no, because 9 times out of 10, I think a guy would be far more likely to feel ready to get married before I would and therefore, I would have to refuse and pospone until a later time.
2) If I actually did want to get married, and the guy didn't have any intentions of proposing. I would propose. Why wait for the guy? I don't exactly see the benefit of sitting there, building up anger because the guy isn't "moving fast enough" but not taking any action themselves. Where is it written that the woman can't do anything when it comes to presenting the idea of getting married.
When I am asked if I see a wedding in my future, I usually just say "No," but I am thinking of extending that into a more full display of my feelings on the subject, perhaps adding in a blank stare and a "Why, should I?"
2 comments:
Here at school we have one girl that I know of that is engaged. That's one person, out of a 2,000 student population where most of us are your age or older. Often my friends and I will talk about how we cannot even get our heads around marriage at this point in our lives. We all understand that right now we are going to put our own self-development at the forefront. That is not to say that we are sacrificing love and human connection in the meantime. I'd say about half my friends have been in a relationship for at least a year. The difference is that the entire community here values independence for both people within the relationship at this age. We look to each other for support and comfort and personal connection, but still strive to achieve more than we ever thought possible in the classroom, community, and with career aspirations.
I know the general view is different among the homeschoolers, community library going workers/citizens, and community college populations of PA (having been there too) and I do understand that a four-year private educational institution with a residential campus is no way "normal" either but I think that my point is that the communities you are currently interacting with the most are not a representative sample to be generalizing from because very opposite views exist in other communities not far away. You are certainty no where near alone in a lot of you're thoughts. Here everyone would be looking at you like you were a nut case if you were getting married (I feel bad for that one girl, because I completely choke whenever I see the ring and have no idea what to say). Most would probably be thinking something along the lines of oh, what a shame, and yes, it still wouldn't be any of their business, but my point is that it is a completely different approach to the whole thing.
The other day we had a super cool class discussion about mating for life and its biological/evolutionary/cultural/emotional implications. I think you would have liked it...
Just so you know, you're welcome to come visit any time if you want! I think you might like to see how classes at this type of school are structured and the things we discuss. We have an amazing house with lots of space and the anthro professors would be happy to meet with you if want (they wouldn't care if you're not interested in Colby, they could probably recommend some places with good departments that meet your interests).
Okay, well that turned into a little more of a Colby advertisement than I intended.
Have you ever read Robert Sapolsky? He has a psychology background but writes some cool books for general puplic reading. Might be a little science heavy but maybe check out Monkeluv or some of his others.
-Lauren
Wow . . . if I knew that people were actually reading this, I might be more careful about what I post! :) I have to admit that the last post I wrote was a bit of a ramble and much more angry and less structured than I would hope my writing normally is.
In reality, there aren't that many people coming after me telling me how to live my life, and I have received little criticism for my views . . . but I tend to judge people more on what I think they think of me, rather than what they say (which can lead to problems, as sometimes my judgements as to others' brains is tainted by my own grey matter), and on how they live their own lives. I know few women at the moment who are doing anything other than either being retired or a stay-at-home mom, with the exception of my boyfriend's mother, who is a school principal, my aunt, and my cousin, who lives on her own and is a manger of a retail store.
Perhaps because I only know a few people my own age and slightly older that aren't just getting married, it feels like I am out in the open when it comes to living life like this. I know there are plenty of people who think the same way, I just haven't FOUND them yet.
I know another big reason this weighs so heavily on my mind is because of my boyfriend, but not because of HIM, but more his family. They all got married super young and have tons of kids, and I get this feeling like, if we stay together and aren't married or engaged within another year or so, things are going to start getting hairy, like "What's taking you so long?" and I really don't want to have to deal with that. Though we're both individuals operating under our own power, the fact that he does have ties to them makes me feel like I have to clearly over-state my position, often, just so that no one gets any ideas.
Or maybe I just need to get out some more. :)
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