Nagging Mother?

Today I was thinking about the over-involved, naggy, unable-to-keep-her-hands-out-of-things stereotype often applied to mothers.  I wondered how true it really was, and if it is true, where it comes from.

In general, in my experience with women and men at work, in relationships, and all across the spectrum of life, it does seem that women, are more "involved" in things than men.  They seem far more likely to ask "why?" and really dig down deep to the center of something, whether or not that digging is necessary.

At the library, when I tell patrons that they have a fine, perhaps about 30% of the time I will be asked what the fine is for, why it's so much, where did it come from, etc.  But of those 30% who ask about their fines, I'd be willing to gamble that about 80% are women.  Men seem far more likely to just pay up (or know why they have a fine in the first place) than women, who sometimes are just wondering where the amount came from, and in other cases, are gearing up for an out-and-out battle over fines as low as 15 cents.

Petty sums of cash aside, I wonder why it is that women seem far more inquisitive than men.  Female professors I have are often much more detailed in grading, and seem to have more attention to detail than male professors.  Perhaps this attention to detail is somewhat related to the female ability to multitask better than men.  Perhaps the female brain is just better at breaking something down into little bits than can be analysed piece by piece, or worked on a little bit at a time while processing other little bits simultaneously.

I also wonder about the stereotype of wives and mothers being overly picky in relationships.  While you often hear of the overly-involved mother-in-law, I can't remember the last time I heard anything about an overly-involved father-in-law.  Perhaps women just work harder at forming close network bonds with others, so naturally they seem to dig deeper and harder than others.  But then how to explain the stereotype of women as just digging deep on things completely unrelated to relationships, and monitor and help in random ways?  If a woman is interested in forming good relationship, it's understandable that she might call more often than a man, but how does nagging someone to wear a coat when it's cold fit into this picture? (I chose wearing a coat as an example for a pesky question, as it seems everyone I have met has had their mother, at some point in time, bother them to bundle up) Perhaps it's that women are used to "mothering" and want to be helpful whenever possible, even past the point where the mothered want to be left alone.

The more I thought about this, the more I considered possible motivations why it seems some mothers can never stop being helpful, beyond just the possible predisposition to being more detail-oriented.  Most people who are being "overly motherly" are not trying to smother their partners or children, but has there ever been a child who has not, at some point said, "I just wish my mother would stop trying to help me!  I'm fine on my own!"?  Some of this continuing mothering could be attributed to the fact that children find it difficult to come face-to-face with their parents and say "I don't need you any more," but there's plenty that do.  Moving out and having an independent job for 30 years is a pretty clear clue that your child is fine on his or her own.  Maybe some mothers, even after their children have been flying solo for decades, can't let go just because they have nothing else to do.  In the typical "nuclear family" with Pop out at the office all day and Ma playing Better Crocker, all a mother had to do was mother and be a wife, and once her kids are gone, she doesn't know how to stop, and furthermore, has nothing else to do with her time.  There's no new shoes to fill, no new chapter to write, it's just the same old routine, day in and day out, even when there's no need for it.  I wonder how many women who feel lost when their children no longer need them, and how many children who feel like their mothers can't let go, would be so much better off if the woman had some other form of fulfillment than just taking care of her kids.  She would not feel so useless when her kids are on their own, and the kids would not have the feeling of being smothered.  Women will likely always be more "involved" in other's lives than men, if my assumption about women being detail- and relationship-oriented is true.  But perhaps with other outlets for fulfillment and focus of energy, the stereotype of the "smothering mother" would become a thing of the past.

Perhaps this is an exaggeration.  Perhaps mothers and wives, for reasons other than being stuck in a "nuclear family," will "over mother."  Maybe working has nothing to do with it.  Maybe they're not "over mothering" and it's just an urban legend.

But I still wonder.