Lately, I have been suffering from a rather plaguing case of the blues. All of this summer, I had kept myself busy with work and the thoughts of soon living in my version of heaven on earth, Chicago. I would be going to school, I would be able to meet new people in my dorm, I could go to museums, shows, concerts, I would have friends, I would be and have all that I thought I needed.
But then I ended up back home.
While I have somewhat learned to compensate for being in a comparatively boring place (Allentown PA as compared to Chicago IL), I have found out ways to scour websites to find out what is going on in the area and discover concerts and events.
But what I haven't yet found are friends. I have been out of school for a year and a half now, and while I have been working, the average age of my coworkers is around 55, making for a demographic that is not likely to want to go to the movies with me when I'm looking for a posse (this is what I get for working at a library). With my workplace out as an option, and going back to school in the works, but not until January, I am, you could say, between a rock and a hard place, when it comes to finding people to do things with.
Not being religious, I cannot simply attend a church or synagogue or mosque and meet people who think the same as I do. The closest I could come with that is to attend a meeting for secular humanists and see what I can find. Unfortunately, secular humanists, seeing as they are not looking to save their souls, are not nearly so anxious and prolific in their meetings, so even if I do find a place to meet "like-minded" individuals, it will be far less frequently than if we were actually trying to commune with God.
There are some lectures and speeches that I am planning on attending, but how exactly does one meet people there? Other than just walking up to someone afterwards and going "Well, since you've lasted until the end, I'm guessing you enjoyed that, I did too!" how does one make a connection? And especially without looking like a moron?
Perhaps another more pressing issue is that I have a minor case of what one might call "social anxiety disorder." When presented with the option of attending a party hosted by a friend, rather than jumping at the opportunity to meet with some people and chat, my mind freezes at the thought and rams itself into a wall. While I would very much to like to have some friends, the idea of social events and the horrifying "small talk" that usually occurs there is enough to make appealing the option of inflicting some kind of minor injury upon myself so that I might have the ease of excusing myself out of any such occasions under the cover of a doctor's note. Parties usually result in me standing in a corner wondering what on EARTH all of the other people out there are talking about, and why on earth I can't bring myself to talk about it with them?
It's not that I find other people boring. I am very much a believer that everyone has something worth talking about, a story to tell, that their life is not a complete waste of atoms. Yet . . . whenever I talk to other people, I find it excruciatingly boring. I don't know what to say.
"Oh, so you've been spelunking 5 times now? It was dark, I presume. That's great. I like the dark."
That's about as far as I can get in any conversation before I get a look that says "Did you grow up under a rock?" and I decide to quit while I'm ahead. Or at least, less behind than I would be if I kept going.
I lack some kind of essential mechanism that allows people to enter into situations with completely new people without fear. My boyfriend is the kind of person who has such a mechanism in abundance, that he can start up an amicable conversation with a random person in line at a supermarket, while I'm more likely to get the person in line to think it necessary to call management on me to "handle the situation." He relishes every chance he gets to socialize, while I can think of nothing more horrifying. He is handy though, when there are social situations I am primarily invited to, as I can drag him along and use him as my social shield, as he will deflect any notices of my complete ineptitude.
But in situations where I am on my own, I still have yet to figure out what to do. It is quite a conundrum.
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